Sexual Behavior, Orientation & Identity
What we do. What we feel. And what we call sex.
Part of Str8 No Chaser®, this post explores how behavior doesn’t always align with identity, and why that matters more than ever. This piece includes adult themes and language.
“He sleeps with men, so he’s gay. End of story!”
“She’s not a lesbian, she just hasn’t been with a real man.”
“He’s not bi, We all said that before we came out.”
“She’s not asexual. She’s just not trying hard enough.”
These aren’t just opinions. They are social reflexes, packaged and repeated like gospel. You’re either this or that!
But how do we know? Have we actually studied or read about on these topics? And do we really believe that eight billion people neatly fit into “straight,” “bisexual,” or “gay” boxes? Bless our hearts!
Modern sexual identity labels are fewer than 160 years old. But human civilization is at least 6,000 years old, the first humans surfaced at least 300,000 years ago, and our first human ancestors appeared as far back as 7,000,000 years.
So, what did we call sexual identity more than 160 years ago? Well…sexuality wasn’t always something we were, it was something we did. So what’s the difference between sexual behavior, sexual orientation, and sexual identity?
Sexual behavior is what we do, not what we are. Feelings, thoughts, desires, acts, or gratification. For example, a roman emperor journaled about his lust toward both male and female companions. · But he wasn’t writing a crisis of sexual identity or being “sexually confused.” He was simply struggling with distraction and being self-disciplined.
Sexual orientation is to whom someone is romantically, emotionally and sexually drawn. For example, a woman attracted to multiple genders but in a monogamous relationship with a man.
Sexual identity is how someone refers to or calls themselves, an internal or public label. For instance, a man who only has sex with men for money but identifies as straight based on how he sees himself. Stick a pin in this one! I’ll do a deep dive in the next Str8 No Chaser® essay.
But I buried the Lede: these terms often do not align as they’re somewhat driven by the mind of the beholder. Sexologists have a good handle on these terms. Us? Not so much. So it’s easy to go down a rabbit hole or logic chopping to make it make sense. Bless our hearts!
Alfred Kinsey’s research in the 1940s and ’50s confirmed this dissonance. Kinsey reported that a large percentage of men (37%) and women (13%) reported same-sex experiences to orgasm. Despite critiques of his methods, Kinsey’s core findings remained consistent when the contested info was removed.
Even today, researchers like Dr. Lisa Diamond and Karen Gee have shown that sexual orientation is often less stable and biologically fixed than many assume. And clinical sexologist Dr. Joe Kort has argued that some straight-identified men who have sex with men (MSM) aren’t closeted or confused but navigating desire in ways that don’t match society’s narrow categories. In all three cases, the takeaway is clear: behavior doesn’t always dictate identity.
The words we use to describe sexuality (gay, straight, bi, queer, pansexual, fluid, and asexual) feel like timeless facts. They’re not! They’re recent inventions shaped by language, science, religion, and politics. These terms weren’t discovered so much as they were constructed to classify and control human behavior. Labels, while useful, are often too blunt for the breadth and lived reality of human sexuality.
Moreover, LGBTQ+ identity is more prevalent than ever. But for Gen Z, who self-identify at higher rates as LGBTQ+, they, nonbinary, neurodivergent, or mixed race, they are more likely to reject rigid labels.
So the kids are alright! As for the rest of us? It’s long overdue that we ask ourselves and others some inconvenient questions:
• Why do we reduce desire and behavior to a label, then get in our feelings when people don’t fit those labels?
• Why do gay men demand that society respect the complexity of our sexualities, yet drag other men (“gay-for-pay” models, bisexual men, or transmen) for not fitting into a label of our approving?
• Why are we uncomfortable with the unknown? What if the unknown isn’t a problem to solve but a truth to accept?
Bless our hearts!
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